my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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