Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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