I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Be still, my beating vagina.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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