my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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