It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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