I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
