I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
