I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
