Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
