Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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