dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
