apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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