He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
