I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
