Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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