she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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