Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
