I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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