My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
