i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
