I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
