My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
