I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
