he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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