i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
