Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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