I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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