He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
