and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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