That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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