A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Everyone says I win the strip club
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
