Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
