I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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