I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
