I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
