the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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