you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
