come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
