she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
