Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
