I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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