these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
