I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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