I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
