whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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