I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
