My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize