College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
