I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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