im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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