So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
