capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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