So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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