i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
