So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
