I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Enjoy the penises
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
